The paradox of today’s world:
We understand emotions and talk about them. But then we build walls around us to prevent ourselves from feeling them.
We’re highly aware of the concept of emotions, and remarkably unaware of how to navigate our own.
I wouldn’t blame anybody. Avoiding them can seem like the easier thing to do. And unfortunately, it appears to be the most effective thing to do.
We’re turning into machines. Digitally savvy, consumed by tech, highly operational, and worshipping productivity.
Emotions can’t find their place in this reality.
As a 27-year-old male who was never taught the value of emoting when I grew up, the only way I’ve learned is through experience.
I’ve f**ked up plenty. You don’t have to.
I’ve summarised 5 things I carry to push up my emotional intelligence:
1) “Why does this happen to me?” is a futile, outward-looking question. Look within.
Most things aren’t happening to anybody. They’re just happening as a chain of events.
We’re almost always looking to assign blame. When we feel angry, we transfer the cause to a person or circumstance.
When I failed in college, I blamed it on a difficult paper, lousy teaching, my parents forcing me to study Science or the outdated education system.
There was always something to blame it on.
But my failure is simply an outcome of my actions.
I chose to feel frustrated at everything & everyone except myself.
Before you go outward, understand that an emotional response is a choice that comes from within.
You choose what you want this response to be. Nobody else.
2) How you feel about something is not absolute reality.
Our response to a situation results from the conditioning of our brains.
Learn to accept these responses may not have anything to do with the specific situation you’re in.
I have always assumed long-distance relationships never work. I’ve been in two of them that ended terribly.
But I recently witnessed my closest friend wonderfully thrive in one and get married to her partner.
Completely proved my feeling wrong.
A large number of people fear committing to romantic relationships today.
Or we don't take risks in life because we failed sometime in the past.
More often than not, the fear is not because of the current situation.
It is instead a projection of your experiences in the past.
No two emotional experiences will be the same.
Stop assuming how you feel about a situation is the absolute reality.
3) Discomfort is a sign you’re on a good path.
No human thrives in a tensionless state.
I ran away from challenges and tough conversations for years. No one likes them.
But the best way to get rid of them is to just face them.
The most challenging conversation I’ve had is telling a father his 21-year-old son had passed away.
I shivered and sweated throughout the phone call. But I did it.
I listened to the mother weep for her lost child. I heard the silence of his father.
That one phone call changed the way I communicated. That one phone call changed my life.
You want a higher paycheck? You need to break up with somebody? You want to upload your first vlog? You want to express an opinion in a room?
The more you suppress and postpone, the worse the emotion gets in your head.
Understand that discomfort of going through it is nothing compared to what you feel afterward.
That one emotion you’re avoiding could change your life. Go through it.
4) Happiness is a choice. But you don’t have to choose it all the time.
The biggest illusion sold to us by the “self-love” industry is to choose happiness above everything else.
Not all situations will make you happy. Swallow that pill.
I’ve gone to classes I didn’t want to attend, and I’ve done work that I did not love. I’ve run every day for months and given up eating my favorite food to be fitter.
I don’t regret any of it.
We all have to do things that will not make us happy at times.
Years later, you won’t remember the frustration.
You’ll remember the joy you felt at the end.
The bigger picture is more valuable than the inconveniences on the path.
You won’t understand happiness if you’ve never gone through the remaining plethora of emotions.
Give up the pressure to choose happiness all the time. It’s making you more unhappy.
There is no pursuit of happiness. Be vulnerable in the pursuit.
The pursuit has happiness sprinkled all over it.
5) Feelings won’t change most things. You can.
If playing sports taught me anything, it is that everything is temporary.
Opponent scores a goal, I have to go back and play the game. I score a goal, I still have to go back and play the game.
I had a successful leadership tenure once. I was thrilled. I wanted more.
So I applied for a bigger role. That was a disaster.
I spent months feeling frustrated about the team I led.
I felt guilty and ashamed. I couldn’t get myself to look at them.
I tried finding answers at the bottom of liquor bottles. (Spoiler, there’s no answer there).
Despite it all, the truth is that none of these feelings changed anything.
The only thing that helped was taking baby steps to do & be better.
I had to fulfill my responsibilities. Do what was asked of me.
You could feel joyous or like you’re in a dump. Both are temporary.
Fear, guilt, discomfort, or even joy, happiness can’t change anything.
But you can. Develop your emotional threshold. Go back and keep playing.
We’re a product of our times, of course.
But it is incredible that we hold in us the ability to feel.
I understand why most of us choose to navigate our emotions in passivity.
But that’s why we suffer.
And I’m sure we’ve heard, “suffering is a choice.”
As the world around us evolves, it becomes critical to be more aware & intelligent about our emotions.
Navigating these may not be as easy as using your smartphone and probably less exciting than Web3.0 (I know nothing about it, everyone seems excited).
But becoming your own locus of control can only come with higher emotional intelligence. That is the human trait that’ll win the future.
If that added any value to you, do give me some claps below.
(You can give multiple claps! That’ll help me reach more people)
I write essays, lessons, and stories on travel, books, life, humanity, and our universe. Follow me on Medium.
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